Maternity Leave, Week 4

“I’m going to need more things to do,” I said to my mom about two months ago as I was preparing for my maternity leave.
With my looming 12 weeks off of work – including a six-week hiatus from my freelance work – I had visions of daily blogging, weekly maternity leave newsletter updates, opportunities to enjoy my hobbies, and time for projects I’ve been wanting to do forever… all while the baby is sleeping of course because all babies really do is sleep (and eat and poop of course).

How freaking stupid and naïve.

Colin is one month old today. If I can take a shower that lasts an entire five minutes or go to the bathroom by myself without hearing him cry or needing to do something for him, I consider it a good and productive day.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love my son more than anything in this world and absolutely love being a mom. And I knew having a baby would drastically change my life. I just had no idea that parenting an infant would completely consume me. How can someone so tiny demand so much?

There will be days Brent comes home from work at 6:30 p.m. and ask me what I did that day. Most days, I’m completely exhausted by that time and feel like I’ve been going nonstop, yet can’t think of a single thing to tell him. Sure I fed the baby and soothed the baby and changed the baby around the clock but as far as doing something? Not so much.  My mom says that what I’ve done on these days is be a mom, so therefore I have done the most important job. I try to remember that on the days I don’t brush my hair or even change out of my pajamas. Which is often.

When I do actually do something, it’s after I make sure Colin is fed and happy before handing him off to Brent. Unfortunately, it’s not so I can take a bubble bath. It’s so I can have two hands to toss a load of laundry into the washing machine, pay some bills, and get the garbage gathered for pickup. These things gotta get done sometime!

And to make Colin happy, someone usually has to not only hold him so his head can rest atop a shoulder, but also pat him on the back with the other hand, leaving no free hand to make lunch, turn the pages of a book or magazine, or even peck on a keyboard. Since there’s only so much you can do with a baby sprawled out on top of you, I’m usually found in front of the TV or snoozing right along with him – neither of which makes me feel very productive.

When the weather allows, I make up errands to do. Yes, going to the post office to mail bills instead of dropping them in a nearby mailbox counts as an errand. So does picking up a gallon of milk at the grocery store. I stretch these outings out instead of clustering them together so I can breathe some fresh air as often as possible outside of the house. And these errands are actually enjoyable because Colin does like riding in the car, and usually falls asleep in the car seat. But if he wakes up while I’m pushing him and his car seat in the grocery cart? Let’s just say I’ve learned how to push a cart with my torso and steer it with my elbows and feet while holding my kid and patting his back to stave off a crying fit and the subsequent embarrassment from getting annoyed looks from other shoppers for being “that person” with the bawling kid.

Speaking of my feet – I never knew how underused they were before having a kid. I used to use them pretty much exclusively for getting from Point A to Point B. Now I use them to pick up blankets or burp cloths, to open the door to let the dog out, and to rock his cradle.

Though I underestimated the amount of myself I’d have to give this kid, I also underestimated the amount of joy he’d give me in return. He’s all smiles after breakfast, no matter what time we eat. He smells like a baby even if I don’t rub him head to toe with baby lotion. He makes the most adorable squeaking noises and facial expressions in his sleep. He kicks his legs vigorously like he’s swimming when he’s sitting up in his bathtub. Ceiling fans and laundry being folded are fascinating. So am I, apparently, even when I’m not making funny faces at him because I’ll catch those big baby blues of his staring right at me while I’m doing even the most mundane tasks. He’s completely content while nursing and protests loudly whenever I put him down, which means he’s happiest when he’s with me and we’re cuddling.

So while I definitely don’t need more to do because taking care of this kid is more than enough, I don’t want to do anything else.

Love you, Colin.

Love,
Mom