Dear Colin:
We had a moment tonight. It was this brief, yet absolutely
perfect moment between mother and son; so powerful that it surprised me how
fast the tears came to my eyes.
You were nursing contentedly right before bed, as usual,
except tonight every time I glanced down at you, your eyes were wide open and
staring straight ahead. You also were unusually still, which usually
accompanies the tired blinking you tend to do before nodding off. That’s when I
gently pull you up to my shoulder to burp you before lying you down in your
crib.
Tonight, though, you never got your usual tired look, even
though you were clearly cranky as we were going through your bedtime routine. So when I thought you had nursed enough, I brought you up to my left shoulder
and started to pat your back. At this point in the routine, you do one of two
things – lay your head on my shoulder when you’re really sleepy, or squirm
around until I put you in your crib.
But tonight you did something you’ve never done before. You
put one hand on my shoulder to push yourself back to look at me. You then
looked at me like you have never seen me almost every single day of your entire
life. For a few precious seconds, you were staring at me with such a quiet
intensity that I was absolutely paralyzed by your gaze. You then tilted your
head to the left and gave this slow, wide grin, without breaking eye contact
with me. At that moment, I felt love like I have never felt before. Not even on
the day you were born. I didn’t know you then like I know you now. I didn’t
know at the time that I had just given birth to something that would bring me joy that I've never known before. It's something that only other parents could understand.
I wished at that moment that I had a camera to capture that
look, but it wasn’t until just now that I’m writing about that I realize that I
don’t need it. I don’t need a photo to remember that moment because I can never
forget that look you gave me.
I could only smile, tear up, and vocalize to you what I hope
you will never, ever question:
“I love you more than anything in this world.”
Love,
Mom
