Before I actually gave birth to my son, I scoffed at those who said I’d want to become a stay-at-home mom. They said it’d be hard for me to go back to work, even though my static retort was always a “yeah right. I need to have my career.” But they insisted I’d come to find out that I wish I could trade my black work pants and meetings for jeans and play dates.
They were right.
Today is my last weekday staying at home with my son. And I’m so upset about it that instead of soaking up every minute of having all the time in the world to snuggle with him, I’m looking at him from across the room and crying over it.
I thought I’d be more comfortable with the transition after taking him to his daycare for a visit yesterday so Brent and I could meet his caregivers, say hi to the kids he’d be playing with every day, and see his classroom. He smiled at everyone we met before falling asleep on my shoulder. I used his burp cloth to muffle my sobs and wipe away my own tears. I was so embarrassed to be listening to one of his caregivers and not be able to get out another question because I couldn’t even hold it together enough to speak.
My husband chuckled at me and kept giving me reassuring squeezes while the caregivers said my reaction was common and that I could call or visit anytime I wanted. That wasn’t enough to make me feel better about the fact that soon I’d be leaving something more important than my own life with strangers. My son, who I’ve never been apart from for more than a few hours since the moment the doctor laid him on my chest.
I’m not sure how I’m going to get through that first hour apart from him, much less than an entire weekday bookended by two 90-minute commutes knowing that I have to do it again the next day, and the next day, and the next day…
This is just so you know why I won’t be wearing any eye makeup on Monday and it’ll likely look like I have pinkeye in both eyes, although I promise I will duck into the bathroom often rather than risk humiliating myself by bawling at work. But I’m going back to work because I honestly love what I do and the people I work with.
I just love my son more.
