Dear Colin... (2 years old)

“Love you Colin,” I said, giving you a squeeze after the giggle fit we had while I was pretending to think that your pajamas ate your hands.

“Ah-loh Mama,” you said in reply, smiling your full-toothed smile.

Laughing, I gave you another huge hug, as it was the first time you tried to say “I love you” back to me.

You are amazing Colin.

You repeat everything I say and even when you’re preoccupied with one of the learning apps I downloaded for you on my phone, you follow me everywhere around the house.

You went from only being able to count to 2 to being able to count to 4 then all of a sudden to 8. And yesterday, you counted to 10 for the first time (except you skipped number 2!). And when I asked you how old you were going to be next month on your birthday, you said “One!”

“No, Colin, you’re going to be two!” I said, hardly believing my baby was going to be 2 years old.

“No, one!” you insisted.

As much as I’d like to believe that you aren’t going to be 2, you are growing and you are learning so much from day to day. Slow it down, though, will ya?

Love,
Mom

We all scream for...

My 18-month-old, Colin, LOVES to “help” me in the kitchen, regardless of whether I’m cooking, sweeping, or loading the dishwasher (I’m well aware that I should appreciate this while it lasts!).

 So making our own ice cream was a no-brainer—the kid also loves to eat! His favorite part was shaking the bag of ice and salt… that is until it came time to taste our special treat. 

After tipping the bowl up to his face to make sure he was able to get every last drop, he gave me the pouty face that makes his mama melt and then cave in and give him seconds!

Last Day as a Baby

“What are you doing? He’s asleep!” your daddy said after poking his head in your darkened nursery and seeing me cradling you under a blanket in the rocking chair.

“I’m enjoying this cuddling because this is his last day as a baby!” I said, nearly choking on my emotion, as your dad just laughed at me and left us alone.

You graduated from the Infant Room at daycare on Friday and today there is a ceremony in the morning where they take the infant graduates to the big boy Toddler Room on the other side of the building. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but when I dropped you off in the Infant Room this morning for the last time, and your caregiver for the past year, Fran, gave me a big hug, I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up.

My baby is growing up.

You’re 16 months old now, and are definitely a toddler. You are constantly on the move – with the goal most of the time being to climb one of the two sets of staircases. One has a baby gate up to deter you and the other has two cardboard boxes blocking it off, which you have somehow figured out how to unblock on several occasions and have given me that sly little grin from six steps up – you know, the one that says “I know I’m not supposed to be doing this, but HERE I AM DOING IT ANYWAY!” You also LOVE it when people chase you – I can get you to laugh so hard and so loudly if I just crouch down, tell you “I’m gonna get you,” and start chasing you around the island in the kitchen or around the armchair in the living room. You don’t run yet but you can walk rather briskly during this game!

I never have to worry about where you are because you talk up a storm. You say “mama” “dada” and “buh-bye” like a champ, though when you get excited, you let out a stream of “DADA-DADA-DADA-DADAs!) which I hear all the time when I pick you up after work, which cracks up your caregivers because I’m the one who usually picks you up – your MAMA. And you say and wave “buh-bye” to everyone all the time, even if they’re not leaving, or even if they’re on the phone and can’t see you waving.

You’re always talking to yourself when you’re playing, or look up at me often to tell me something. I can’t help but feel bad sometimes that I have no idea what you’re saying unless you’re pointing out the dog (“daw!”), your books (“buh!”) asking for some sort of liquid (all of which you refer to as ‘juice’ - “jis”), or requesting a banana for breakfast (“baba”).

It’s remarkable to me that you’re just 16 months old, and yet you can understand me just fine. I asked you to give a piece of paper to your dad the other day and you proudly walked over and gave it to him then came back to me and grabbed another piece and did it again (and again and again until he had a pile of junk mail by his side). You get your shoes when I ask you to and respond with emphatic nodding every time I ask you if you want some juice, breakfast, lunch, snack, or dinner.

Yes, one of your favorite activities is eating. You want to eat constantly. You want to eat when you’re done eating. It’s remarkable that your tiny tummy can hold all that food – although it does get remarkably distended when mealtime is over! But if I have to take a minute to prepare food, warm up food (heaven forbid I have to put something in the microwave and out of your sight!), or let warmed food cool down, I know that I will be on the receiving end of nonstop crying, wailing, and flailing around in your highchair until the food is on your tray. You need to work on your patience, which I’m constantly reminding you to do (though not really expecting that it will happen!).

When you were really little I taught you sign language for two actions – “more” and “all done”. (Full disclosure that I taught you “more” incorrectly in that I though it was when you essentially point at your palm. But it still serves the same purpose.)  I thought this would be a good way for you to tell me when you wanted more of something and when you were full. Unfortunately, all it does is give you a way to tell me when you really like something, because you emphatically point at your palm over and over again – like when I gave you vanilla ice cream for the first time last night. You only sign “all done” when I tell you that you’re all done and I take the food away.

Your other favorite things are all things paper-related. We’re talking toilet paper (on or off the toilet-paper holder, or as I call it, the wall-mounted entertainment system), paper towels, tissues, and napkins. You LOVE these things and carry them around the house all the time like a safety blanket. I have no idea why you love them so much; only that you scream if I have to take them from you to put you in the bathtub for example. I even found a wad of toilet paper in your toy box last night – put there by you because that’s where your “toys” go!

It’s also amazing to me how much you are learning on a daily basis and how easily you pick up new skills. We were all watching Michigan play in the NCAA tournament the other day, and your daddy did the motion for the referee signal “and one!” where a player gets fouled while they’re making a basket and get an additional free throw. You smiled and imitated him and now do the signal every time one of us says “Colin – AND ONE!”

You also love being a big boy, which is why it should be easier for me that you’re growing up. You love “helping” in the kitchen and will whine at my feet in front of the stove because you want to be the one stirring the stir-fry or flipping the burgers. I started bringing the stepstool into the kitchen so you can climb up and see what I’m doing, and all you want to do is be on that top step because you grin so proudly when I tell you that you’re “so big! (and protest so loudly if I pick you up and set you down!).

And you love your mama and your dada. You give kisses freely, hugs even more often, and there are times where you’ll just look up at me and pause before giving me your full 12-tooth smile.

You may be growing up, but I will still call you my baby mostly because you’ll always be my baby.

Love,

Mama

Not ready to let go of that bond

Today is the second day that I've hauled my breast pump downtown to work, only to pick it up and take it home unused. I should be thrilled. I've always said that "I hate pumping as much as I love breastfeeding." I hate that depressed feeling that immediately washes over me as the machine grabs my nipples and simultaneously yanks on them every half a second for 20 minutes. I hate having to interrupt my work day twice to go to my "pumping room" that someone else always seemed to be using to make a personal phone call. And I hate washing all those pump parts every day only to have to wash them again the following day. And the day after that.

I really hate pumping, but not as much as I hate the thought of not breastfeeding anymore. That's the thought I just can't quite get a handle on.

So far, all the milestones I've been through with Colin have been exciting. Everything I've witnessed has been a fun adventure, from watching him roll over for the first time to babbling more and more sounds to crawling and now walking. Every time I look at him now, I can't help but see a little boy, and not a baby.

I think I may be holding on to breastfeeding because it's the only thing that makes me feel like I still have a baby. Letting go of that means letting go of his infancy.

And that's not something I'm ready to do. I'm not ready to let go of my baby.

I know he's not going anywhere. He's just growing up. But I don't even have enough time to enjoy one phase before he's off on the next. I couldn't enjoy him falling asleep in my arms for long enough because he started becoming more interested in looking around rather than closing his eyes. I didn't have enough time to watch his butt wiggle from side to side as he crawled because he started to walk. And I don't feel like we've had enough time to bond before he falls asleep at night in the way that only I can bond with him. Just me. Just his mom.

Holding on to this baby stage is all the more important because he may be my only child, as Brent hasn't let go of his "one and done" mantra, no matter what I say or how important it is that I tell him that I want another one. It's something that's too important to me to let go, yet too emotional for me to have a rational conversation around, which frustrates Brent to the point where whenever the subject comes up, it goes nowhere.

So for now, I'm going to keep the morning breastfeeding before I go to work and the evening one before Colin goes to bed. I enjoy it, and I know Colin does too. Maybe it's my way of trying to slow down time. Since history has shown Colin isn't doing that, someone has to try.

Dear Colin... One Minute Into One Year

Dear Colin:

This is a tough one to write. It's not even your actual birthday yet and I've already teared up twice today on the eve of your special day.

The first time was after rolling around on the floor with you doing everything I could think of to keep hearing those loud shrieking giggles of yours - which usually means tickling you on the side of your neck or under your arms or tossing you up in the air.

You settled down a little on my lap after getting preoccupied with a talking toy car and I happened to glance at the clock. It was 4 p.m. on November 29, which is when I felt my first contraction exactly one year ago. So I looked down at you playing with your car and even though we were at your Baba and Mimi Meller's house full of people, I felt like you and I were the only two there as I told you the very abridged story of your birth:

"Exactly one year ago today, I felt something that I now know was you telling me it was time for you to come out. I then started timing those contractions with an app on the phone that you just NEED TO HAVE whenever you see it in my hand. By the time Jersey Shore was over at 11:30, you were really telling me it was time for us to leave. So your daddy and I grabbed our stuff and just before we walked out the garage door, your daddy and I kissed and said the next time we'd be in this house, we'd be here with our baby. That's you.

So then we went to the hospital and your mommy was in SO much pain. But your daddy was fantastic helping mommy through it and your Baba and Mimi Meller, Grandma Ray, and Aunt Brittany met us at the hospital because they just couldn't wait to meet you. 

So at 10:15, the doctor said you were ready to come out. I pushed and pushed for almost two hours because apparently he was wrong about you wanting to come out! But then, at 12:02 p.m., I saw you for the first time. I don't even remember if you cried. What I do remember, though, was awe that the tiny little baby that the doctor was holding was mine.

Before I could hold you, the doctors had to take you to the warmed table in the corner of the room to make sure you were OK. And even though the doctor said you couldn't see more than a few inches in front of your face and they had you facing the corner of the room, you somehow twisted your head around and stared straight at me the ENTIRE time they were measuring and working on you like you knew I was your mom and you belonged across the room with me. And the only moment I wasn't looking right back at you was when your daddy squeezed my hand and I turned my head so I could kiss him and tell him that you were our baby. That you, Colin Allen Meller, were our sweet little boy.

And then the nurse placed you right on my chest and I got to hold you for the first time. I cradled all 7.2 pounds of you in my arms under a warmed blanket and just looked at your adorable face with your just barely there hair and one tiny, tiny fist poking out. It was the best moment of my life. All because of you."

I have been ready to go to bed for awhile now, but when I saw that it was just 15 minutes to midnight central time, I busied myself with playing games on my phone until I heard the clock chime on the hour. Then I walked quietly upstairs to where you were sleeping, stroked your now quite long blond hair, and was happy that I got to be the first to tell you:

"Happy birthday little man."

Love,
Mom

Dear Colin... A Moment Like This

Dear Colin:

We had a moment tonight. It was this brief, yet absolutely perfect moment between mother and son; so powerful that it surprised me how fast the tears came to my eyes.

You were nursing contentedly right before bed, as usual, except tonight every time I glanced down at you, your eyes were wide open and staring straight ahead. You also were unusually still, which usually accompanies the tired blinking you tend to do before nodding off. That’s when I gently pull you up to my shoulder to burp you before lying you down in your crib.

Tonight, though, you never got your usual tired look, even though you were clearly cranky as we were going through your bedtime routine. So when I thought you had nursed enough, I brought you up to my left shoulder and started to pat your back. At this point in the routine, you do one of two things – lay your head on my shoulder when you’re really sleepy, or squirm around until I put you in your crib.

But tonight you did something you’ve never done before. You put one hand on my shoulder to push yourself back to look at me. You then looked at me like you have never seen me almost every single day of your entire life. For a few precious seconds, you were staring at me with such a quiet intensity that I was absolutely paralyzed by your gaze. You then tilted your head to the left and gave this slow, wide grin, without breaking eye contact with me. At that moment, I felt love like I have never felt before. Not even on the day you were born. I didn’t know you then like I know you now. I didn’t know at the time that I had just given birth to something that would bring me joy that I've never known before. It's something that only other parents could understand.

I wished at that moment that I had a camera to capture that look, but it wasn’t until just now that I’m writing about that I realize that I don’t need it. I don’t need a photo to remember that moment because I can never forget that look you gave me.

I could only smile, tear up, and vocalize to you what I hope you will never, ever question:

“I love you more than anything in this world.”

Love,

Mom

Dear Colin... (9 months)

Dear Colin:

I still refer to you as Mr. Crabs, but it’s turned into a term of endearment rather than a descriptor. You, sir, are all smiles. After seeing your two extra-smiley pictures from daycare today, your daddy texted me to tell me that  “no one smiles that much. Not even The Joker.” I replied, “My little boy does.”

Several people from daycare have seen me with you and remarked that you smile all the time. And another person from your daycare recently glanced around to make sure no other parents were in earshot when she told me in hushed tones that she’s been working at the daycare for more than nine years and you are one of the absolute cutest kids she’s been around. I can’t say I disagree.

You’re nine months old today and I am amazed at how fast you pick up new skills. You clap whenever I shout “yay!” and wave to your caregivers at daycare every morning from outside your room. We’re now working on blowing kisses, and you’ve almost got it.

You’ve also almost got crawling, although your chosen modes of transportation are still strictly rolling and army crawling with both arms while pushing off with just your left leg and your belly still stubbornly on the ground. You’re still pretty fast at it when you see something that you really want, which 9 times out of 10 is either any kind of paper or the dog’s water bowl. That is, of course, if there is no food around, even if it’s clearly my food, and not yours.

You eat more than any child your size should probably eat. I actually don’t know how much you can eat because if I didn’t stop giving you food after I felt like you’ve had enough, I’m not sure if you’d stop on your own! I’m not sure an infant should be protesting that they don’t have any more food after a bowl of oatmeal, half a banana, and two highchair tray-fulls of Cheerios and puffs! Whenever I get together with my mom friends one of them always remarks that you’re still eating after all of the other babies have moved on from eating to playing.

And I have you to thank for my mom friends. All of my work friends live in the city, and I had yet to make friends out in the suburbs. But then you came along and I was able to bond with these amazing new moms under the guise of having “play dates” for our kids. None of you ever mind, of course, because you all clearly enjoy putting each others toys in your mouths for the few hours that we get together every month.

You never stop babbling. Most of the time it's a lot of "babas" and "dadas" although I still don't think you know what many words mean. You do know your name, though, and look up and smile whenever you hear me say it.

You're giving me small heart attacks on a regular basis because your main goal in the bathtub now is to pull yourself up to a standing position. The edge of the tub is just too perfect a height for you to not want to grab and pull from a seated position, despite all the colorful toys I surround you with in the tub.

Nursing is much more painful than it used to be because you have had your middle bottom two teeth for a few weeks now, and I just noticed that one more is popping out next to those bottom two as well as your fangs. If those come in fully before your top middle teeth show up, I have to admit I might be a little creeped out - especially since you've been waking up a lot more in the middle of the night - but we'll wait and see about that one.

Although if getting teeth is like anything else when it comes to you, I won't have to wait long. You change daily. I play with you after daycare and before it's time for you to go to sleep and I swear each time you're a little bit more dexterous, a little bit faster at scooting, and a lot more fun.

I love you Mr. Crabs. More every day.

Love,

Mom